Meghan Tschanz

love shines on

To all the (christian) single ladies

When I finally got a boyfriend and then engaged after being single for eight years I had messages pour in all over the place. Married friends who I had not talked to in years congratulated me, single women let me know they were encouraged by my story, and even a few people I didn’t know let me know just how happy they were for me.

You see I have always had impossibly high standards, or so I was told, but I called it knowing what I wanted and not settling.

Sure, I had been on a few dates and had a few crushes. I also had some ambiguous relationships where there was something there, but it was never talked about, usually because one of us was about to leave the country.

But nothing panned out, while all my cousins and siblings were bringing special someones home for Christmas. I notoriously went stag.

Sometimes I was content in my singleness, most of the time I wasn’t; and there’s a lot more to the story that I don’t have space to share in this blog post.

The other day a new friend struggling with singleness sent me a text that she had heard some of my story and wanted to hear more. There are a few others that message me periodically to pray for their hearts and their husbands, because I once was one of them and now I am not. In some strange and beautiful way, my story gives them hope.

Given this information, I will reiterate that the primary purpose of this blog is to bring awareness to the issue of women’s oppression, but there’s a whole lot more to life than activism and I’d like the space to talk about these things periodically, and most specifically today.

Today, this blog is for all my (Christian) single ladies: I see you. I hear you. I get you. And today I want to give you hope.

The reason I am specifically addressing this to Christian women is that we are constantly being told wacky things to help us cope with our singleness and weird formulas to bring the right man in our life. None of which are helpful.

Today I hope to dispel some myths, while offering what I hope will be some serious encouragement.

1. Love isn’t a formula.

Love never was and never will be a science. There are tools to help you foster a healthy relationship certainly, but there isn’t a scientific formula that will get you into the right relationship. So when people tell you, “as soon as you are content in your singleness, he will show up” or some variation there of, you can let those words drift in one ear and right out the other.

When I met Dustin I was nowhere near content being single. If I was, I probably wouldn’t have asked him to dance and I probably wouldn’t be married right now. If contentedness was the key to finding a husband, I would definitely still be single.

2. You can make the first move.

Before I met Dustin I had some well-meaning Christians caution me that I should wait until the man makes the first move. They told me that the man wouldn’t pursue me well if I pursued him first, and some mumbo jumbo about how I wouldn’t be in my proper place of submission if I made the first move.

I am so, so glad I didn’t listen to them. I made the first move with Dustin by asking him to dance AND asking him to leave the dance floor to talk.

After that, Dustin took it from there and pursued me more fiercely and extravagantly than I have could have imagined in my wildest dreams. He flew hundreds of miles, rented a fancy car, made a romantic playlist (that took him hours I might add), showed up at my house with my favorite drink and breakfast, took me on the best hike in Georgia, and then took me to an elegant restaurant where we had a private wine cellar to ourselves, and ended the date by taking me to a field to slow dance, all on our first date.

I’d say making the first move worked out pretty well.

3. Your standards aren’t too high.

I know, we’ve all heard it before, “maybe if you lower your standards, you’ll get a boyfriend.” I can’t tell you the number of times I heard that, and even considered it.

But in the end I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, I was looking for a husband. And I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I compromised on the quality of man that I wanted.

This past weekend I was in the wedding of a friend who also had high standards, one of which is she didn’t want to date a guy who had looked at porn in the last year. So when her current husband wanted to date her without meeting that standard she said no. Some said it was harsh, but she didn’t want to be in a relationship where she had to help someone walk through a porn addiction. This high standard was wildly attractive to her now husband, and with God’s help he broke the habit.

When he was one year clean, she said yes to a date, and now they are happily married.

Keep your high standards ladies; she kept hers and I kept mine and now we are both married to some truly amazing men.

4. Don’t be complacent.

I’m not talking about dating relationships here, though you shouldn’t be sitting on your hands there either. I am talking about with your hopes, dreams, and ambitions.

So Mr. Right isn’t here yet, that’s okay. There are a lot of things you can be chasing down in the mean time.

For me, I have a list of things I want to get done before I die. I want to travel the world, write a book, get married, hike in the most beautiful national parks, run a marathon, have kids, and make a serious difference in the lives of oppressed women and girls.

Before I met Dustin I had already travelled the world, written the first draft a book, hiked in a lot of beautiful national parks, ran a half-marathon, and was trying my best to bring awareness to plight of women around the globe. In fact, it was because I was passionate and had a zeal for life that he was attracted to me.

And you know what? I can honestly say that I made the very best of my single years and I wouldn’t take them back for the world. If you’re single, that’s more than ok, go and chase down another dream with the time you’ve been given.

5. Don’t be afraid to talk to God about it.

At least half of my prayer journal is talking to God about my desire for a husband, praying for said husband, telling God how hard singleness was etc. I used to feel really guilty about that. I mean what was so wrong with me that talking to God about a husband took up over half of my conversations with him?

And to that I say nothing.

There was nothing wrong with me talking to God about the condition of my heart and how bad I desired a husband. I’ve discovered that God wants us to be real and authentic in our time with him. And for me that looked like pouring out my heart on the things that were on the forefront of my mind. Quite often that happened to be my singleness.

I actually think that time spent with God drew me far closer to him than if I had tried to hide my feelings and only pray for something “noble” like orphans, just so I would seem holy to him. He wanted me just as I was; and who I was was a girl who was trying to make a difference in the world and a girl who really, really wanted a husband.

In fact, I believe all my time in prayer gave me the strength to hold out for the right man and not lower my standards. Bringing my desires to the Lord allowed me to process them in a safe and holy way without doing anything rash because I had neglected to acknowledge them.

6. Though I’ve doubted it, God really has the best for us.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and though I wish that wasn’t the case, it remains true.

I absolutely hated it when people told me, “well, God knows what’s best.” Did he? It certainly didn’t feel like it at the time. But looking back I can clearly see a plan that I chose to step into, a journey that led me where I am today.

I do believe that Dustin came at the perfect time, because God had to show me a few things about myself and the world around me first. God began by showing me how much he loved me, while gently correcting me. Then he began to show me about the plight of others and got me to care. He then told me what to do about it and spent the next few years giving me the tools to do so. And finally, he brought Dustin into my life so I could fully launch into it.

If Dustin had come earlier I would likely have missed out on my calling in life to be an advocate for women. And when he did come, he worked and is working so he could support me while I write my book.

But that’s just my story, and I am quite confident that my story will be nothing like yours. You know why? Because God doesn’t write formulas for life. He writes stories, and he is pretty dang good at it.

Your story won’t look like mine, or Susie’s, or Jill’s, because it’s your story. If you trust God and walk that out with your life I can guarantee you that God is writing a pretty incredible story with your life too.

No, I have no idea when you will get a husband. Shoot, I don’t even know if you will get one. But what I do know is that God is faithful, and what he is doing in your story is beautiful and unique. He is worthy of your trust.

So, brave girl, live your story.

Chase your dreams. Become more like Christ by getting your hands dirty and serving others. And maybe, at just the right time, that special guy will come along.

 

 

About Meghan Tschanz

I believe in love, empowerment. and adventure. The kind of love that believes in the face of adversity, the empowerment that allows people to step into their destiny, and the kind of adventure that leaves your heart pounding in your chest. I write because I want to remind us all that there is so much more to life.

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6 Replies

  1. Needed this. Loved this. Thank you for sharing your heart, Meghan – I am so encouraged by your story and this timely word. I especially love the fact that no, you weren’t perfectly content when you met Dustin and yes, God did want to hear about your struggle with singleness. Because those two things cross my mind ALL the time. What’s wrong with me that my journal is filled with nothing, it seems, but my desires for a life partner? Is that bad? And does God even want to hear my whining anymore?

    Thank you for this encouragement and I am blessed to know you. “Because God doesn’t write formulas for life. He writes stories, and he is pretty dang good at it.”

    1. Meghan Tschanz

      I am so glad it encouraged you!!!!

  2. That’s some pretty good stuff right there. Glad you kept your standards.

    1. Meghan Tschanz

      thanks Matt! You keep yours too!

  3. L.

    Just the reminder I needed tonight, because sometimes it is so dang hard. And it’s so true–love is not a formula. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Meghan Tschanz

      thanks L!

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